Over the years I gave him countless lectures, pep talks, advice--sometimes in bars but later on at restaurants or on the street or at my father's small town pharmacy. Once, we met at Riverside so I could do a reading (of my Goddess cards) for him. I had quit drinking by then and was probably urging him to do the same. He was so ernest about the whole thing, insisting that we meet at the Riv and not a my parents' house with all my other siblings around. I think we chugged coffee and he chain-smoked. I can hear his voice, "OK, Emily, OK." But he never wanted to quit drugs and alcohol. It just wasn't going to happen for him.
I have been thinking of him for days now. He floats through my mind as I pour the boiling water into the french press to make coffee. The baby in one arm, Moses on the floor with a toy. I see Dave walking or hear him talking and I think, I haven't thought about him in years (he was in jail for the past two), why does this feel so bad. I think to myself, I shouldn't feel that sad, should I? But it is hard to mourn alone, miles away and not able to attend the memorial or funeral. My husband met Dave, knew who he was, but he didn't know him. My sisters quietly grieve this loss in their own ways. It is not like them (or I suppose me) to carry on publicly about loss. Then I find myself wondering, do I feel sad just because I don't want this to happen to me or to my children or my siblings or parents? Isn't that selfish? Is that what this is? Why do I feel compelled to write about him?
But I know that he touched me in his way. I know that his charming, endearing self was one that I loved. I was on his team. I wanted him to succeed. And, to a certain extent, I think he was the kind of person that made everyone he knew feel special and loved. He was an open, heart-on-his-sleave kind of guy, like many alcoholics and addicts. He took it all in and then he really didn't know how to filter it or deal and so he used in order to obliterate his feelings or just numb out for a little while. This, as we know, over the long haul, doesn't work. Things just get worse, and they did for him. He ended up in trouble from drinking and driving and with some pretty serious mental health issues.
Today I think of the road to his father's house and one of the last times I saw him-- years ago now since I don't live in Minnesota--he was waiting for a ride from my sister and I, standing on the edge of the dirt road in the forest. He was a bulky guy, strong and solid, not overweight, but broad and rangy like he might have been good at tossing a football or making a tackle. His head was down or perhaps his hand was over his eyes, shading them from the sunlight. He ducked into the backseat of the car and said hello. He was quiet for a time, lost in thought and staring out the window, or perhaps he began right away talking about whatever it was that he'd been thinking about as he stood there waiting, as he often did. There was this seamless movement in him from thought to speech. Or perhaps he began pouring his heart out about something that deeply concerned him. He could become fixated.
I remember how he talked about politics (conspiracy theories when he wasn't on his medication). He always wanted to return to school to study political science. He was bright and yet vulnerable in a crushing way. I suppose it was hard to see a big, overgrown boy fall so hard. My sisters and I always had a soft spot for him--one of them dated him for a while. He had a good heart and true spirit. There was something about him that seemed almost possible, if only he could get it together. I wonder how many people wanted to grab him and shake him and tell him to get it together, but only because they could see so much in him that was blocked by his use of drugs and alcohol, the disease of addiction that is only kept at bay through abstinence. But he could never stay clean for long (I don't really think he ever tried) and then he'd end up in the hospital or jail for violating probation. He'd stop taking his medication and we wouldn't see him for a while.
I remember him in Minneapolis, young and hopeful. I see him walking with his head a little down, dipping into his broad shoulders, covered most likely in a slightly warn jacket, his pants a little unkempt and out of style in that heart-breaking way that made you love him more. I want to see him walking away into some other possibility, happily living a boring daily life with a job and kids and a dog. Or perhaps it wasn't boring, it was wild and exciting, but sober. I don't know.
I wish him all the love and peace in the world.
Safe travels my friend and may the light be with you always.