Of course, this is fantasy. When I am there, I dream of Vermont. All those organic eating, Prius-driving, composting, pickle-ing, chicken's in the backyard, over-educated liberals! I go back and forth, literally and figuratively, between the two states, unsure of where I belong and what I should be doing. But in a way, I've always loved to long for what I've left behind, what might have been. Not because I've ever felt like I've made a misstep in my life (I have), more because I am a sappy nostalgic and live deeply rooted in my mind, in the fantasies there of.
This is about writing. My lack of writing. If I stay away from my work I begin to lose perspective and become intimidated and confused. I mostly feel like I can't actually write a story, that I don't actually know what I am doing, and should give up. Do people doing other work feel this way? I am doubtful. But this psychological game of "why am I doing this?" is deeply ingrained in the process of the artist, at least in my experience. So many women give up their art when they have children because how is it possible to raise children, run a household (even a tiny apartment?), work for money, maintain a decent relationship with a partner (not to mention friends), and do one's art? Others realize, as one Facebook post pointed out, that giving up one's art is a form of "emotional suicide".
So here I am on the brink of emotional suicide at 7:15 in the morning typing away knowing that Moses will yell "Mama" any minute and break the spell of it all. Hah. You see, such drama! What a life I lead.
I am back to hacking away at a story I've been working on for months that still feels wildly unformed (also, I am not sure that I should even be focusing on stories). It has enough drama to be a novel but it shall not be. I've begun rewriting it from scratch, which means I don't look at the first drafts, and I've done about three paragraphs in five days--Stephen King would not be impressed with my progress, but I have to admit, I sort of am. And, there it is, "Mommy, Mommy..."